Feeling all the feelings

Hello (( IOI DOWNPOUR CAME UP ON SHUFFLE IM CRYING THIS IS EMOTIONAL))

Today is one of the days i feel all sorts of feelings. Lets start from yesterday actually. It started yesterday and i'm sure it's my hormonal department in my body doing their work as per every month pffft

Anyway, yesterday as i was going to take a afternoon nap (this part is so irrelevant, am i writing a diary now huh?),  one of school junior texted me asking for some tips on finding friends WHICH I SUCK AT MOST TO BE VERY HONEST HAH. I actually smirked at her question, because me giving tips on finding friends? WOAH BIG NEWS (!) Okay back to the story. So unintentionally, i told her everything. My college life etc etc and how i survived without having a true circle of friends that i can rely on. And then i suddenly had an emotional moment, expressing my gratitude to one of my closest friend ( one out of my 8 faves) because without her, i won't be able to go through a year at college, emotionally. After that pep talk i gave to my junior, i texted my friend, expressing my gratitude towards her. SHE SHED A TEAR. (WE ARE BOTH BEING EMOTIONAL LOL) and as my results are coming out soon, i'm being extra anxious and scared. 

Story 2

OK SO THE SONGSONG COUPLE IS REAL. THE SHIP SAILED WELL ENOUGH THEY'RE GETTING MARRIED THIS OCTOBER. I READ THIS NEWS THIS MORNING AFTER SUBUH AND I ACTUALLY NEARLY SHED A TEAR. That, guys, is how emotional i am today. ((OKAY SVT's  DON'T LISTEN IN SECRET IS ON SHUFFLE I CRY))

Story 3

I actually hate IG. There i said it. I don't know about other people but i see IG as a happy place, whether people are faking it, or it's true, pure happiness portrait-ed in photos. And, really though, i only post happy stuffs. I rarely post emotional- sad stuff there. If you see me posting something, it must be a happy day for me, or i wanted to share some knowledge or art or something. But then, today as i scroll down my feed, i don't know it just feel different. Because as years past, i could actually see how much my friends changed. I'm not saying i'm  holier than thou, but as i'm quite the observer type of person, i detect changes real quick. If i'm my 15 year old self right now, i might just go straight up to my friend and tell her this and that, trying to act like i know everything pffft but now i'm 19 and i feel like, you guys just to what you want. I'll be here, praying the best. It's not that i want to let go of my responsibilities as a muslim, and friend, but i dunno T___T i just can't say anything anymore. 

Story 4

((BTS SPRING DAY IS ON GHHGHFJGF)) ((NOW IT'S SVT HABITUAL *sobs*))

I went to memory lane today. It was  unintentional really. I was going down one of my teacher's IG, because i was trying to find one particular post, but i ended up finding myself drowning in memories. I went down as far as 2014 guys, the most beautiful year of my high school years. How could i not choke up. I screenshot a LOT of photos. Then, i texted those photos in my group chat with my friends, and no one really responded. ME BEING MY EMOTIONAL SELF, OF COURSE GOT MOODY AND JUST-- 

These 4 stories sum up to me drinking a whole mug of iced caramel latte + extra milk which i actually can't and me logging out of twitter and not replying to messages, and me here, typing away because writing is the only way to ease my pain. I don't care if no one is reading but it would be really great if there are people reading.

(( TAEYEON'S 11:11  )) 

I really don't know what i am.

Am i just a shy timid gal?

Am i just a person with social anxiety? 

Am i an introvert?

Am i an introvert with anxiety?

Am i really an INFJ? 

Am i being too clingy with my friends?

Am i overacting? 

Am i really that great friend i think i am?

Am i paranoid of just a scaredy cat? 

Do i have OCD or i'm just a neat freak? 

MOLLA MOLLA NAN MOLLA. ( sorry i just had to say this in korean, it sounds better LOL )

AAAH I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS GOING IN MY MIND. SOMETIMES I JUST GO GETTA COUNSELING SESSION.

Ok this is the end of my longest emotional rant ever. I'm just gonna wait for my phone to fully charge and go binge watch stuff on YT, i know i can't sleep tonite. Somehow caffeine has an effect on me. Usually i drink coffee and can still sleep. 

If  anyone is actually reading this, congrats, you just read what my mind went through these past 2 days. I hope you are feeling okay. 

Have a nice day, <3

Good night.

p.s. As i'm writing this, i've done editing  and  SVT's Expectation came up on shuffle and im choking up i'm gonna cry really. 

Humans part two (I'm back!)

HAI HAI HAI HAI i know takde siapa baca pun tapi nak hai jugak 

Oh god after nearly 365 days later, i'm back. I'm back after i survived a year as a CAT student @intec *throws conffeti, brings in cake* hopefully i pass the exams though aamin aamin

And here i am, in my comfiest state, on my bed, typing away with ease. Alhamdulillah : D
And praises to Allah too, as i'm still breathing in this holy month of Ramadhan <3

Okay i really really want to record every bits of my college life, but seriously i don't have the time. I barely slept well thinking about exams and stuff. And i want to conclude my whole 2 semesters there, but really i can't say much other than with one word : bittersweet (with the ratio of 2:1)  LOL

So, lets just talk about happy things. Im trying to be damn positive these days. They say positivism attracts good stuff in life so leggo.

To start this happy ride off, it's been a week now since my semester break and i'm really happy with my current life schedule. IT'S THE LIFE I'VE BEEN DREAMING OF SINCE MAY 2016 LOL except the fact i have no wifi at home  
*cries the longest river in malaysia*

My last post was about humans too, but that post was soooo full of negativity. So this part, imma gonna talk all about the sweetest humans i ever met.

My 8 faves.

Wallahi, i never felt this attached to a group of people ever.
Ever since 2013 happened, ever since i had a major breakdown of emotions (No, not a break up. Well it is a break up but not love as in love with the opposite gender, u get me right? HA SENANG CITE PUTUS KAWAN? maybe i can say it that way eventhough putus kawan is such a heavy term)
i became really hard to trust people, and accept people in my life. But then 2014 happened and i met a bunch of humans that i love my whole heart out.

It's true. Sometimes we need to learn to let go. To get better things in life. I let go of a best friend i once cherished so much, but He gave me 8 in return. This is getting emotional wow

Anyway, i had the time of my life last Friday. We finally gathered together (WHICH I MUST SAY WAS SO HARD TO GET A DECENT DATE AND AGREE ON WHAT TO EAT) and broke fast together and had a sinful night - sebab tak pergi tarawikh HAHAAH HAIH MY FRIENDS WHAT DID WE DO. There were heck a lot of drama to be honest. We nearly cancelled it last minute and when i say last minute, 1 hour before maghrib. CRAZy I know 

But really alhamdulillah alhamdulillah and alhamdulillah, all with the power of Allah, we still met.

These 8 humans are really a gift in my life. I might sometimes hate them, because the lack of communication we do, me - the one who is always like talking to myself in our group chat haha
and sometimes i feel like we won't stay together till we're old- with our grandchildren (jauh fikir) but, deep down of course i still love them. And of course i stll put hope in our friendship. I really hope we stay together forever guys.

From graduations, to engagements, bridal showers, weddings, aqiqah anak (IM LAUGHING WHILE WRITING THIS) and eventually till jannah *inserts finger hearts*

If any one of the 8 reads this, tahniah. You found my secret hiding place.
hides under blanket

Humans

Adapting isn't easy.
Finding friends good friends isn't easy.
Nak makan pun susah *cries*
hahaha ni gurau je tapi slightly true. Duit oh duit 

Praises to Allah, i am now furthering my studies in accountancy at INTEC College. Yeah the one i applied scholarship for tapi tak dapat and daftar as a private student. Oh well, rezqi masing masing. Sebenarnya panjang ceritanya. Bukan terus masuk INTEC ni. Ada la drama air mata, sudah tentu. Haha that was a tough phase tbh.

It's been nearly 3 months. And surprise surprise... I still haven't adapted fully into this new world. 
Yelah, suasana baru, not a biah soleh wa musleh dah. Orang baru ada 1001, perangai pun ada 1001. Gosh.
And i am that timid shy girl who isn't really friendly. ( I am actually. Kalau dah kenal rapat, aku la paling banyak cakap do)
(Eh tapi tu bukan friendly la kalau dah rapat baru nak gila gila) WHATEVER. HAHAHA

The thing is, i still don't have that weh-teman-pergi-toilet-jap/jom-pergi-makan-laparlah kinda friend. That type of friend, ish faham tak.  Susah senang bersama friend? 

Or is it too early to conclude as so? One of my friend said, it's still early. "Lama lama nanti jumpa la kawan yang you cari tu" Huu tapi sampai bila? Merana sis. Ceh

Hal kawan kawan ni, i don't reallyyyy care.. Boleh tolak tepi la sebab memang kita tak boleh berharap sangat dengan orang ye anak anak. People will soon leave us. I'm sick of it actually. Kita sayang lebih lebih, tapi dia biasa biasa je kawan dengan kita. Itu bezanya kawan fillah, dengan kawan sebab...takde sebab. Lain okay? *flips tudung*

The thing is, when you enter college/university, you WILL realize that Allah is all you need. At times when you have no one to comfort you during you bad days, He is always there for you. Nangislah dalam sujud and dalam doa. I assure you will be much more calmer. 

Sebab bila duduk jauh dari family & friends that you rely on, you will realize that. And when you do, don't let that chance pass by. Be grateful that you still remember He who created you, because that means you still have iman. Ada je kan orang ada problem, tapi cari alternative lain. So when you get that feeling, jangan abaikan :)

Aaaaaa membebel je aku ni hahaha tapi betul ni. Please take note heee 

Nevertheless, good luck in life, humans. It's a tough ride. 
Now i realize why people want to stay in school forever. Hehe school life is da bomb :')

 p/s: seronoknya dapat tulis blog lagi ahaks